Expert Eye View - Non-Violent Communication

VajraMudita Armstrong, senior consultant at Oakridge and operations director at Manchester Buddhist Centre talks about Non-violent Communication.

‘Aagh ! Dad ! What have you done !’

I’m on an NVC weekend (Non -Violent Communication) and my son’s left a message on the mobile that his grandad’s hurt him and ‘Can you come home mummy’. After frantic phone calls my husband assures me that the situation has calmed down.

On my return home I need to talk to my Dad and son to find out what has happened.

Using my freshly developed NVC skills, I soon find out what happened, how it made Rorie feel, and what his needs are in the future. He got frustrated with his grandad because he felt he wasn’t listening to him, he started shouting so that he could be heard and then wouldn’t do as he was asked (probably told).

On Dad’s side, he sees my son as rude, disobedient and disrespectful and all his fault. He sees Rorie as the enemy and I work really hard to listen to my Dad and connect with his feelings and his needs.

Then something magical happens.

I listen and repeat back to Dad what he’s said he is feeling and what he needs from Rorie. He’s upset at the way Rorie spoke to him and he wants respect and wants to be listened to. But he visibly relaxes and the anger seems to ebb away. Dad and Rorie have a ‘remaking friends’ chat and they haven’t had an argument at all in the past six months which is a record.

I’m amazed at how just listening and helping someone identify their feelings and the need which is driving their feelings made such a difference in the mediation process.

I first came across NVC a couple of years ago and I was impressed by the power and effectiveness of such a simple technique and process.

NVC, founded by Marshall Rosenberg in America, is an interpersonal communication approach and philosophy which develops positive relations and harmony, resolving conflicts.

It has been successfully used in businesses, schools and international mediation situations to solve conflict and create a positive culture.

In a nutshell, NVC helps to:

• free yourself from the negative effects of past experiences and cultural conditioning
• breaks patterns of thinking that lead to arguments , anger and depression
• resolves conflicts peacefully, whether personal or public, domestic or international
• creates social structures that support everyone’s needs being met
• develops a culture based upon mutual respect, compassion, and cooperation.

I have been so impressed that I’m now training to become an NVC trainer and it is helping me move away from judging and blaming others, helping me to communicate my own feelings and needs and listen to others around me. I am feeling less frustrated and less angry inside.

Some others who have discovered the power of NVC include:

Californian businessman: "I had come to realise that my old communication style was very judgemental and full of fault finding. Both my work associates and I were unhappy. My life is significantly changed due to practicing NVC. I am more settled and relaxed even when I am busy. I no longer feel the need to discover fault or place blame. Everyone is happy to be working with me for the first time in my 33 years of owning and operating my own business".

Theodore Nyilidandi, Rwandan Dept. of Foreign Affairs: "We have lived traumatic moments over and over again, moments of fear and panic, incomprehension, frustrations, disappointment, and injustice of all sorts, with no hope of escape. Those who have participated in Marshall Rosenberg’s training have a real desire to use Non-Violent Communication as a peaceful alternative to ending this interminable Rwandan conflict".

For further information about NVC please contact Vajramudita Armstrong at vajramudita.armstrong@oakridgecentre.co.uk